Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sunday Sports Report

Rupert: Hello everyone

Sasha: Today we thought we'd show you another event at which we excel.

Rupert: This is another activity we practice almost as much as synchronised sleeping...

Sasha: ... synchronised standing!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Barkday afternoon

Rupert: AND A NEW DOG!

Sasha: What new dog? What are you talking about?

Rupert: I bet you're wondering who I am!

Sasha: You're Rupert.

Rupert: "Where is that dashing young Rupert pup we've come to know and love?" I hear you cry.

Sasha: You're right here.

Rupert: Ta-da! It is I, Rupert O'Lickey, international pup of mystery and master of disguise!

Sasha: But you weren't disguised, you just had a haircut.

Rupert: Yes, young Sasha-wan, you are starting to understand the power of the clippers!

Sasha: (Sigh) I had a haircut too. Here are some before and after shots.

Rupert: I know you don't think it's me, but look at these before and after shots - seeing is believing!

Rupert: Here's an additional profile shot - lady pups, you may wish to close one eye, so as to not be completely blown away by my extreme handsomeness.

Sasha: It's spring, so we got nudie cuts. That's to help stop grass seeds from getting stuck in our hair and then burrowing into our skin.

Rupert: As you can see, we are very liberated pups, what with all the nudie-ness, and all.

Sasha: Rupert! We are not liberated! At least, only every morning when we go off-leash. For the rest of the time we're completely captive at home, languishing on the furniture in the sun while our human's out. Anyway, back to me! Yesterday was my barkday, I am now two years old! When's your barkday, Rupert?

Rupert: I prefer not to divulge that information, being an international pup of mystery, and all. The Lost Dogs Home made a guess about my age, and gave me a birthday, but I'm not sure the date is auspicious enough. Perhaps I shall share your barkday celebrations.

Sasha: Why am I not surprised...? Anyway, look at all the goodies I got. Firstly, I received a parcel from my friend Honey, in Queensland. She was in cahoots with my two favourite boys, JD and Max, and forwarded me a present from them! Thank you so much!

Sasha: Rupert! Never fear, my new bling did not disappear down an international gullet of greed, and is even now attached to my collar, totally adding to my gorgeousness!

Sasha: I also got a new, indestructible green ball.

Rupert: I bet it's not that indestructible - give me a few minutes with it!

Sasha: And an indestructible blue toy.

Rupert: Actually, it's not very indestructible. It took me less than a minute to prove that!

Sasha: I never used to get all these indestructible toys. I wonder why I'm getting them all of a sudden.

Rupert: Can't help you there, I'm afraid. Let's get onto the foodie bits, I liked those bits.

Sasha: Yes, this was your present from a while ago.

Rupert: Our cruel human was deliberately depriving us of it, too! Just after I moved in from the Lost Dogs Home, my pals JD and Max very generously sent me a care package. They asked their human to check the interwebs to find somewhere in Australia that could deliver treats, because, as you know, the greedy Quarantine man steals our treats to keep for himself, if pups send them from overseas. This is the fabulous spread they sent us.

Sasha: We wanted to eat it as soon as it arrived, but our cruel human refused to let us have it.

Rupert: Some pitiful excuse about me vomiting.

Sasha: Well, you do vomit somewhat.

Rupert: It's important to have hobbies. But it's more of a blurp than a vomit. We are beginning to think it's physiological - it might be my osophagus not closing properly, because most of the time I blurp when I've been sleeping. Our human can tell because when she gets home from work the blurp stains are usually on the couch, in her spot. Or in her lap, if that's where I've had my head when I've been asleep.

Sasha: You vomit a lot less than you did, but you still do it at least once a day.

Rupert: We went to our cousins Bertie and Oliver's Chinese herbalist. Now I have herbs with every meal to support my stomach and liver. Our human was pleased that the herbs didn't make me blurp more.

Sasha: They haven't totally stopped you blurping, but now you have a lot more energy - no birds in the park are safe!

Rupert: Anyway, our human has decided that, because I'm only eating I/D food and small amounts of poached chicken at the moment, if it is physiological I might as well start getting a bit of variety. So she opened the care package and let us have half a cookie each! And I didn't blurp it up (yet)!

Sasha: It was a rather delicious cookie.

Rupert: Yes. I'm trying not to blurp it up, so she will give us more later.

Sasha: It's weird how what you eat at home is so carefully controlled, but she never cares about all the dead stuff you eat in the park if she doesn't see you doing it.

Rupert: And it's weird how the dead stuff doesn't make me sick, but just changing my food a bit at home does.

Sasha: Um, Rupert?

Rupert: Yes?

Sasha: I just wanted to say that with your new haircut, you look... well... almost handsome... And I don't mind you being my little brother.

Rupert: I... might be blushing right now... but if you tell anyone, I'll deny it!


Monday, October 4, 2010

Spring has sprung

Sasha: It is Spring...

Rupert: It is Spring, moonless night in the small town, starless and bible-black...

Sasha: What? What are you talking about?

Rupert: I was just making whatever you were about to say better.

Sasha: ...

Rupert: Just call me Dylan Rupert.

Sasha: ...

Rupert: Or Rupert Burton.

Sasha: ...

Rupert: Which sounds better? Ummm... they both sound pretty good. I think I shall combine them - you may now refer to me as Rupert Rupert.

Sasha: ...

Sasha: It is Spring...

Rupert: Rupert Rupert!

Sasha: It-is-Spring!-The-grass-is-green,-the-sun-is-shining.

Sasha: The-idiots-are-running.

Rupert: And they've pulled up our path, in the park.

Sasha: They're supposed to be resealing it, but all they've done for weeks is nothing.

Rupert: Well, they pulled it up. That's doing something.

Sasha: But they haven't put it back yet.

Rupert: I don't see the problem with this.

Sasha: Well, the problem is, it's Spring - and don't start!

Rupert: Ok, so what about it being Spring?

Sasha: The dew is oh-so wet, and the dust on the path is oh-so dry - and guess what you get if you put them together...

Rupert: Treats?

Sasha: No! Mud.

Rupert: Not as tasty as treats, but still edible.

Sasha: And you know what mud means...

Rupert: I eat it then throw it up on Bertie & Oliver's carpet?

Sasha: No. Well, yes, but that's not the main thing it means. What mud means is baths!

Rupert: Ooohhh... so that's why we got bathed the other day. We had to lie in the sun to dry off, it was very exhausting. I remember that licking didn't seem to make me drier.

Sasha: You are somewhat licky, aren't you. I may have mentioned this before.

Rupert: Speaking of licking, I love that new salad dressing stuff our human keeps putting on her arms and legs.

Sasha: Um. Do you mean moisturiser?

Rupert: That's the stuff, very tasty...

Sasha: I don't think she likes you licking it all off.

Rupert: ... but whenever I try to take a nibble she notices.

Sasha: She could hardly fail to notice that you are constantly on top of her or underneath her or licking her or trying to eat her. You are a bit of an attention hog - I may have mentioned this before.

Rupert: Attention hog? Moi?


Sasha: PS - Rupey was quoting from Dylan Thomas's Under Milkwood, up there at the beginning. Our human says she always thinks of it whenever anyone says "It is Spring", but she can never remember any more of it because she has the Richard Burton recording and his voice always makes her melt after a few minutes, so then all she's doing is listening to his voice and not to what he's saying.

Rupert: Humans are weird.

Sasha: Well, you're the expert on weird...